Joke of the day :-)

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU B*****D!!

I don't get it...


Oh wait...nope nope. There we go

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.

"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."

"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.

The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.

The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"

The great Tommy Cooper - it's the way you tell em!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9d8jDlyg_o

:lol: :lol: :lol:

What's under Bill's Bed

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got
married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise
never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never
looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity
got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the
box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box
and put it back under the bed.
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to
why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner
Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "I am so sorry.For all these years I kept my promise and never
looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was
too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the
cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after
all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was
unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened
but Iguess after all those years away from home on the road,
temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad
considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little
while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the
box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed
them in."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

These are really good...ooh I might have to find one now!

Old People

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

I saw a really good joke on facebook earlier but I dont think I'll post it here

How old am I?
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends 4,000 grand and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand, buys a paper and says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 34," was the reply.
"I'm actually 46," says the man happily.

About a while later he went for lunch to McDonald's and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'm guessing that you're about 30?"
"Nope, I am actually 46." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is poor. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your p*nis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. I know you're 46"
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's".

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thats was a good one!!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

Sex Theory


A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the
frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for
certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went
down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the
person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often
each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to
ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man
said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.
The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this
individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy
about?"
The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: 'When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it In my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times.'

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: 'Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.'

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, 'I don't have time for this bull****. I gotta go home and **** the cat.

The Confessional Box


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

Matt wrote:

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

Matt wrote:

I want one of those vacuums for sure. The neighbors bellow annoy me a lot. Plus I can redecorate their rooms anytime I want.